Tuesday, January 10, 2017

My Mother, My friend, My Everything

It seems like only yesterday we stood in the fields of Gridley. In our darkest attire, some in all black. Sitting, waiting, the cold chill in the air and the blue sky. Birds flying by without regard of the pain experienced below. I sat near the front, next to my mother. My hand on her back and my heart locked up behind a stone wall.

Tears poured down her pale cheeks and the crumbled tissue was starting to tear with too much wetness and gripping. I looked around me at the stone cold and sorrowful faces. As the pastor began to speak I held tight onto my mother as I could feel every single ounce of pain she had in those moments. I couldn't help it that my stone wall crumbled, and it crumbled because for the first time I had witnessed the broken heart of the women who had always been there to mend mine.

In these precious moments before the passing of my Granny (My mothers, mother). I watched as three women worked effortlessly to care for her in the final days of life. They became her care takers and what a team they were. My mom had become the mother role, changing diapers, feeding, reading the bible, sleeping on a air mattress in the room with her mother. My Granny's cancer had spread to her brain, and though she tried, her memory was fading, her logic and she became like a child. During a check in, I had called to make sure all was as well as it could be- she told me, "Granny tried to drink out of an envelope today", I shuttered a bit. But as usual, my reaction would mean the world to my mother. "Well did you put some crystal light in there or what? " 

I know my mom had moments of pain during this process, but my goodness the change in my heart of loving my mother exceeded a million times more than ever. To see her care for her mother this way made me so very proud to be her daughter. Her selfless being inspired me in so many ways. I wanted to dedicate this post to her, because she is my world, my best friend and the reason I continue to love hard and never give up on people.

If anyone has met my mother they most likely adore her. She has a spirit and jovial persona that adds to the light in your life. She is real and honest, funny and hard on me at times. She will go out of her way for people. When we go shopping she never shops for herself and is constantly thinking of what other people would like. She talks to strangers, she holds doors and she takes notice of the small things.

Most of all though, she has this heart that forgives and thrives.

For the last 3 years I have annoyed my mother with going to the gym, eating healthy and staying in shape. I have continued to bother, convince and instill ideas in her about how she could have as much energy she had in her 30's now in her 50's. I have explained to her how many people I know her age that bike, run, travel, and have contagious energy. While she has laughed in my face, this has finally come full circle and my patience and convincing has arrived at positive results! She now has a personal trainer and she's doing Yoga for crying out loud! My mom is a rock star!

I felt compelled to write this post because I have been through quite the rough road in the last year and the rocks continue to crumble at my feet, however, I never give up and I press on as best I can with a positive attitude and reflective frame of mind on how to alter my future actions. On the back end, my mother has always been by far one of the best cheerleaders in my life. She should know, the reason why I have this strength is because of her shining examples through my life as a child to now.

No matter what you go through, what loss you face, what people judge you for, one thing will always remain. "Did you live with Passion?" My mom is living proof of living with passion, and I am doing my best to follow in her shining example.

Lately I have felt a major shift in the universe. Lots of lost jobs, lives gone and anger uprising. I'm holding steady with the belief that we all need to start looking in the mirror a bit more at our actions. Why are we hurting each other so much when love is as simple as a kind word? I refuse to give anger my time of day, no matter how hurt I am by others. I choose Mom...She is my reflection, my heart and my kindness. As the storm hits my windows and the wind blows heavily, I know that a rainbow lies ahead and I will gaze at it with warmth and gusto.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Who is The One?

 Many of us have been in several relationships and I can bet that we have all wondered when it ends; meaning when do you find the one? What is the one? If marriage will fail and end in divorce, and I believed that person to be the one- then what the hell just happened?

My new realization of today is that I will never meet the one. Instead I will attract into my life what fits in the current situation I stand in. Whether I am a free spirit or in relationship mode, the vibe I give off will bring to me the type of men I parallel with at that present time. You should never alter your being to fit a mold or to appease another person. Be true to yourself always.

It irks me when I see relationships fail because of infidelity. I can't quite wrap my head around it; however I do know one thing must be true, these people needed to walk away a long time ago but couldn't quite do it.

When two people break up because of life changes or wanting different things it makes all the sense in the world. We have to follow our hearts no matter what the circumstance, and sometimes when we get so caught up in our relationships we forget our personal wants and needs to the point that we will still force something to work and so begins the slow decline of passion in the relationship. When we get away from our significant other we have time to process everything and see it more clearly. I remember moments where I would sit in the bathroom and say to myself, this is not my life. Or even bigger moments when I would cry myself to sleep out of frustration.

So bare with me when I say the one thing no one really wants to hear, you may break up. But quite frankly, its not the end of the world. The bigger deal is the chance you get to connect with another human being that will teach you more and more about life and love. It's hard for me to even cope with typing this because I've finally realized how much time I spent designing my dream wedding, my house, my family... But I have to admit, society has placed the majority of this in my head. If I take a step back and review my previous relationships I can see a trend in my thought process with marriage being the end goal, when the reality is that I get to share my life with a person who adds to the zest and betterment of me! Someone to laugh with, to share wine with and even a dance under the stars. This is what is important to me and I see no end goal in sight, the only thing I envision now is happiness.

So for each moment you've shared, given your heart and time to another human being do not act in haste when it suddenly shifts. I would bare in mind the change in season, the mood and have a kind adult conversation about your personal wants and needs. Listen to your significant other and react using your heart, hear them out completely with dedication; after all this is the person you love.

Maybe the above is easier said than done? We never know how our emotions will play out in our future relationships.

I suppose since I am enjoying my new found single-hood it may be easier for me to write this, but what I really hope for is that when my heart has met its match again I can bring all of my new found thought processes into it.

I know how tricky love can be, and that most of us get angry when our partner pulls away or are not in line with what we need. Communication is so important with love and being honest as well- no one is a mind reader by any means, yes even if we think we dropped major hints.

Having this time to reflect has been really valuable to me- I hope that by sharing some of my thoughts you may find it to be helpful to you as well (after all that is the point of my blog), to hopefully inspire in some form or bring clarity to your current situation.

Wishing you all the best life has to offer, that you will take control of your own actions and know that you can do and be whoever you want. Meditate and envision your life, your love and your heart. Read books that lift, articles that explore and talk with people about the world! Open your mind to laughter, sharing smiles and being vulnerable. Kiss slowly and touch softly. Be present and aware.

All the kindness in my heart to you.