Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Controlling your mind and thoughts-Brain v. Heart

Someone once told me it's possible to quiet the mind to the point of relaxation that slows your heart rate so much it feels as if it's not even beating. While in a literal sense this may sound scary, I took it an entirely different way. While dealing with heartbreak, often times we feel our hearts shiver and shake with every memory that seeps into it. It's a terrible thing to go through- especially after spending so much time and energy into one person on this planet. They become an extension of your family, in fact they are family.

I met with a fellow musician and friend last week who spoke so openly about relationships and also an interesting fact he pointed out to me was that of human beings being alone or separated from friends and family for an extremely long amount of time. What that really does to us and makes us feel is that we are without our tribe. There are places on this planet where an entire village will raise a child. Places where you live in packs and this is and always was the way we have existed (Depending on your belief). We need one another to survive and once someone from our tribe is separated from us we can feel utterly lost and upset. This rule is also applied to those who serve in wars, when they return to home after being with their fellow soldiers this can also cause a lot of pain because the society they are returning to is nothing of which they have just experienced in a state of war:
Sebastian Junger Examines Veteran Life After Leaving 'Tribe'

I really liked the above article, and while this post is not necessarily about PTSD, I wanted to touch on it because it sparked an idea in my mind about forcing a relationship to end.

You have every single right to feel traumatized, to feel confused, hurt, lost and a little bit crazy. Your body and soul is now adjusting to life without this person in it. You are fighting to fill a void that honestly will never be filled like it was before, BUT it will be filled eventually in a different way over that beautiful word that you will always hear "TIME".

Tick tock, tick tock...I keep watching the days pass by, and while I try to live in the moments I'm still longing for 6 months to fly. That is really not the best way to approach this and it never will be, this beautifully painful ride is all you will have as a tool to heal and creating new moments with people who bring out the best in you will show you who you are and what you can become.

Lately I have taken to music as a healer for me and it's been wonderful letting all those words fly out without too much effort or analysis. I have my awesome band to thank for that!

Work is also another place where you can get lost and let your mind focus on the task at hand. Using creativity to organize yourself and of course make sure to check-in to see if anyone needs a hand is a great way to keep yourself busy and useful.

Self coaching is another great addition to keeping your mind in check and your emotions calm. I have found many online vlogs to listen to in the morning as I get ready. Some are a bit cheesy but they really help at reassuring you that life will be ok as it is and it keeps your focus positive as the future unfolds.

Find a hobby, join a sports team, lose yourself in something for a few hours at a time! These are all good things that I promise will give your mind the healing it needs to survive the storm and eventually the heart will follow. <3

Smile to the sky and hug yourself people, you're all you've got!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Learning to Love Yourself

If you would have asked me 3 years ago where I thought I would be now I would have told you with full confidence that I would be married with at least one child or pregnant.

Well, that is certainly not the case- at least for now.

Hello my name is Amanda and I am 33 years old and completely single. I am quite possibly the furthest away from marriage, children and well let's face it, romance.

While this shocked me at first and I crumbled many times gasping for air I had a few odd epiphany moments where it almost felt like this was part of a greater plan in my life. It could be age or it could be logic? Not sure what it is, but for some reason I feel like I'm exactly where I should be.

In my earlier posts I talked about how I traveled alone to Australia. Quite frankly that is where I spent a lot of time thinking to myself  that being alone wasn't all that bad. That I did not necessarily need the company of another to feel safe or to be happy. I have had a few relationships where I could have ended up in marriage- but would I really have been set for life? Happy? Full-filled?

I have never had the strength to make decisions as much as I have now in my early 30's. I still recall moments where my friends would tell me things like "Don't settle," or "I never settle", I couldn't quite get that. I would sit in puzzlement.

There is no reason for me to sit here and disrespect anything in my past. I love my past as much as I am thrilled for my future and what it may bring! I grew through all my struggles and it's going to make me a better person for life. For all you singles out there at 33 or above, hear me out when I say "It's going to be alright."

Everyone figures things out at different stages, some people find themselves at 23, others even at 19! Old souls and youthful souls; I tend to be more on the youthful side and I had to tell myself that it is OK and that someday someone will be on the same page of adventure and spontaneity.

When I lay in bed at night I think about planes. I dream about exotic foods and cultures I have yet to see and experience. I imagine myself laughing with friends and spending time with family in complete content in a status of "Alone." I can't believe I am ok with this. I think everyone should latch onto this feeling because it's pretty darn amazing. I'm a serial monogamous and finally I'm realizing how unhealthy that can be; at least for me.

By the way, I don't think I will be single forever by any means. But for now I see myself learning how to be content alone, and therefore if the universe wills it so- it will make me a better partner, wife and mother in the long run. What stories I will have to tell my children someday, and what confidence I will be able to instill in them that someone such as myself who was often referred to as lazy, worthless and well, I better not say what else because the truth is I am NOT those things and those are part of the past that will remain locked up in the very back of my brain.

If you learn to build yourself up, no one can tear you down. If you fail over and over and are not getting different results with shifts in agenda, then you need to make a drastic change, which can sometimes hurt, but you'll come out stronger on the other side.

In order to grow we must put ourselves in situations where we are uncomfortable. Remember the first time you learned how to swim, the fear of drowning is strong. I recall that moment. I also remember how I fought my fear and learned how to dive and eventually I was beating out guys in the pool during free-style races. I feared the ocean and it's waves, but I looked fear in the face and grabbed a surf board for the first time and hit the waves, not always standing, but when I did it was amazing. =)

I'm 100% certain you've been out of your comfort zone before. Also one good thing to remember when coming out of a long relationship is that the other person will be ok on the other side too. While the love may always remain, timing is everything.

One thing I can say we honestly did right was not rush to get married or involve children; while I wanted those things, perhaps my partner knew it just wasn't right and he saved us both from a life that most people fear; the life of resentment. We are both very lucky to have a clean slate.

Back to my point. My point is that it's true, no matter how many relationships you go into if you are not happy with who you are then they will never work. Or you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and pain. I don't want that for myself or for you or for you or I to put that on another person and make them miserable as well. I can confidently take responsibility for my own actions and moving along I know that I'm going to appreciate this time to myself to really connect with what I want, who I am so that way when the right situation comes along it will be because it fits, not because I need someone to fill a void of loneliness or unhappiness within myself.

To be a better and happier you on your own is necessary.

To wake up alone and not feel empty is necessary.

While I have just begun my journey alone, I can already feel how important this chapter is in my life.

Only when you love yourself and are comfortable alone will you ever really become happy. I know everyone will tell you this, but I'm living proof that this is as true as it gets. Once things are forced because you are scared or weak it makes the bond more loose and unsteady. Once you find your center, confidence and strength in the relationship will flow naturally because you will not rely on that person to make you happy anymore, it's as simple as that.

So while I will definitely keep myself busy with friends, family, music and of course travel. I will not forget my mission, which is to experience this life alone and to finally learn that being my own company can be just as comfortable as sharing moments with another.

Keep on smiling my friends, as always I wish you the very best in health, happiness and love.