Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Channel the Good Stuff: "Positive thoughts!"

I want to say something....Something that will hopefully put your mind at ease.

Everything is kinda unfair, however I am still smiling and you know why? Because I know that the energy I am omitting is only bringing to me the things that are supposed to stick. The items that go away, especially quickly- were not meant to be, nor should they be forced to stick around. Don't try it, it's a waste of more energy, stay on the path ahead!

Every moment I back track, have weakness due to emotion I realize that I am only making myself feel worse. For the times when I sit alone with thoughts and let them spiral, I end up placing myself in walled up situation with questions left unanswered and feelings unexpressed. That is not of your concern anymore. Great, right?

When you take things at face value you realize this is right in this moment, may not be right tomorrow. Enjoy it now! 

In my dating life I have done this. Made nervous by commitments and wondering if yet another man will bail out on me, forever changed by a final blow. I had aligned a date and we were both extremely excited about it, however it was about a week away. A couple days before I decided to reach out and confirm. What did I get? Nothing....cricket's for two days. Finally the day came for us to meet and nothing again, not a sorry or excuse, apology or otherwise reply to a date we had completely secured. Did he die? Was he trapped in an elevator? Did he somehow misplace my number or the internet make it impossible for us to re-connect. NO! He decided on his own that he wasn't interested in me, and instead of being kind and at least saying so, he decided to be a man of less value and ignore, disappear and bail out that way. How I felt was disappointment, disrespect and a deeper realization that I was grateful. He had done me a favor and so continuing on my path I leave behind the weak and pursue the strong. It's sad, but that is how I will forever view this person. Anyone who has the decency to respond deserves a bow in my book, even if it's to cancel or tell me, hey I'm not feeling it. Fair enough, I am not everyone's cup of tea!

So ladies and gents' its tough out there. I know, I'm living it. But I'm not trying anymore...I know that each meeting I have holds zero and I mean NO expectations. I have grown to trust my gut and believe in a higher power that the one for me will not leave me hanging, we will both be equally crazy about one another and allow room and trust to bloom as we go along.

Another humbling moment is within my career. I have been at the bottom of the hill and now climbing back with grace and gusto! I have cried, felt low and hiked many trails waiting for an answer. Luckily, this 11:11 theory is starting to take flight in many forms, well mostly people. I have said yes to multiple opportunities to temp and because of this I have met more and more amazing people and my connection tree is seriously blooming with great branches each with leaves of more opportunity that I could have imagined. I'm extremely grateful for this new me. I have shifted and grown so much in the last two months than ever before and I know this time things are different. There is a great gravitational pull for all the good things in my life right now, and as I medidate I feel them draw more near.

I'm writing all of this because I know some of you are in low moments. You are in a pit of sorrow and need to get out! You are the responsible one, you can change and you might be like me and need a real wake up call. I believe we are given hard times to grow, and I don't mean bad days...I mean bad months, bad years, times where everything keeps spiraling...We need those to come to realize our divine purpose, or truth and our destiny. Don't you see, when you open your eyes and stop being vain, stop being self absorbed you see truth in all around you. You can feel what people give off in conversation. But YOU are in charge of what you take away from it...You decide it always. 

I'm not worried you see....I'm just happy to exist. I have never felt this way. If it took all the way to 34 to realize this, I can only imagine what I will realize a year from now or when I am 50! The brain is an amazing tool and the life we live is here to teach, to touch and make us feel. Whether you are a business man/woman, a nurse, garbage man, McDonalds worker, seamstress, or poet. We all feel, we all have dreams, and we all deserve to tap into all the good feelings our brain and body can allow. So do it! 

It's my plan to make every effort to have a good impression. To not get locked in my mind, but to keep it open and share it with others. Remember we are all here now, but not promised tomorrow. Have the best Friday and weekend, savor the moments and give great hugs. Kiss slowly and talk calmly. Have zest, be brave. You can transition into anything you put your mind to.

Keep smiling my friends....

Monday, February 20, 2017

Valentine:You're not here yet....

As I continue to breeze through my book the Power of Now I come to a standstill.

I'm holding firmly onto a few memories that were so good that I often wish I could return to them and change and or relive them. Perhaps if I would have reacted a certain way the outcome would be different. Or if I had been more open with my heart, more honest with feelings I could have avoided the pain I've felt as of late.

However, I can't go back and I may have pushed away a few things that I really wanted in my life. Call it fear or distrust, they are items I'm sure I share with many people who have issues opening up their hearts.

On the outside, vigor and zest omit from my being, in a state of alone and content. However attractive this can be to those around you, and then once punctured by a love bite, tend to retreat into the cave of safety.

This is far easier than opening up, it's safe and incredibly freeing. I have latched onto this because it's power is amazing and so soothing to my heart. Serial monogamy is no longer in view and so I say, "What Valentine?"

My first year without a Valentine is not painful or lacking. Rather a celebration of self and a deep realization that loving you can be an achievement all on it's own. You sit back and reflect on love you've had, moments you've shared and perhaps a few kisses that took your breath away. I think I did actually gasp for air, yep, that good. Holy gratitude, right?!

For my fellow singles who are content in being so, cheers to you for being so brave and learning to live life alone. I'd like to say that you will appreciate any love or affections ten times more than you have in the past, just wait for it to come when the time is right.

Embracing alone is tough, but you are really hardly alone. I've noticed that as I have come to center myself in this world, I see people differently. I can feel the vibe out in a room and immediately share a smile with a stranger or a side conversation. When I walk into a store, bar or restaurant I am open and willing to chat with just about anyone who glances my way. I appreciate the little things that others give me, no matter how small they  might be are worth more than gold. 

Meditation relaxes me so much that I can't even believe I used to live without!

I took a Yoga class in the city a week ago and found myself in some tears in the beginning because I really have been extremely hard on myself lately and it hit me how much of a waste that energy was in my body. Expelled and kicked to the curb you go, bad energy! =)

I suppose I'm writing this because my heart is healed. I'm taking a road less traveled and continue on until something grand presents itself before me.

It bothers me when people give up on love, it's sad as well to grow a stone heart due to pain. Please don't fear it when it comes calling. I still believe there is a love out there built perfectly for you...Whether you find it at 35, 55 or 80....Some things in life are indeed worth the patience and time.

Happiest of Valentines my friends and remember to smile, you never know who is watching you from afar.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Missing you

Sometimes when I think of the happiest of days in my life, I see his face.

Every morning I would wake up to his kisses and speckled face staring at me with anticipation to be let out to use the "tree". His whimpering and growl at the door scratching impatiently to get my attention. Covers over my head I would finally start to get up to let him out, his nose pressed hard against the corner of the door and frame.

Freckles. He was my very first dog, the one I connected with at the pound on a spring day- I could hardly leave his holding pin without my eyes starting to well up with tears. You should have seen him. Dainty and spotted from head to toe, his face so cute you could swear he was a cartoon. Everyone collected by his cage all falling in-love...But he was mine, I already knew it.

When I told my mother about him she was intrigued, she went with me to visit him and I knew once she saw him she would fall in-love too. The greatest thing about being a kid is your power of persuasion. All I had to do was a "pretty please" and a smile. He was indeed, mine.

But mom and I had pulled a fast one on my dad. He was a bit out of the loop when we went to the pound to "visit" Freckles. I still remember the look on dad's face when the lady at the front desk said, "Congrats on your new dog!" Oh Lordy....he had no idea...The entire car ride home my dad glared at Freckles. He wasn't happy about our selection at the time, in fact he was a bit peeved that we had somehow snuck this new addition to the family into our home without his consent. I think Freckles knew glancing at my dad, "Oh, you don't like me, do you?"

Having Freckles was the best thing that happened to me. I had an instant brother, a best friend and someone I could take walks with everyday. I loved coming home from school to see him there just waiting for me, wagging tail, whimpering in excitement.

We spent many summers as a family taking him to the park, the beach and of course just simple strolls in the neighborhood. He was my protector too! Often times my mom and dad would hardly worry about me if Freckles was by my side. He had an aggressive personality towards those who were not members of the pack.

When I think back on these moments I sometimes feel tears start to come. Quite possibly the best moments were when I saw my dad start to love Freckles too. I watched as slowly Freckles won my dad over, day after day by just being him; smart and relentless to win over his affections. This amazing discovery of love for a dog who had once been seen as a nuisance was starting to take a special part in my dads heart forever. It was indeed a beautiful thing.

Parting with your dog is a hurtful moment. But unfortunately they don't live as long as we do and well why we may not understand the reasons for that, we must accept and move forward.

I had a special conversation with Freckles the night before he passed. I remember seeing him in that state of slowing, frail and thin, sunken eyes and weak. I crouched next to him placing my hands on his dainty body and said to him..."It's ok, you can go now...I don't like to see you in this pain...I love you so much, you've been my best friend, you can let go..." I swear in that moment he looked up at me and he knew it was time.

The next day he passed, and the conversation lingered in my mind. I believe that was the first time I realized how much death could warp my world. I had grown up with him and he wasn't going to be around anymore. I wouldn't come home to see him in that same spot, nor would I lie next to him watching movies and petting his fur...I floated above my emotions for the first time and somehow pushed away my hurt for months.

Of course those feelings eventually came out, and I dealt with them. But as a sliver of hope always seemed to shine above, Freckles had become like an angel above, watching over and re-surfacing in other forms from dog to dog that followed...and while I don't have one now, I have a feeling there will be another that I bond with in a special way yet again.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

My Mother, My friend, My Everything

It seems like only yesterday we stood in the fields of Gridley. In our darkest attire, some in all black. Sitting, waiting, the cold chill in the air and the blue sky. Birds flying by without regard of the pain experienced below. I sat near the front, next to my mother. My hand on her back and my heart locked up behind a stone wall.

Tears poured down her pale cheeks and the crumbled tissue was starting to tear with too much wetness and gripping. I looked around me at the stone cold and sorrowful faces. As the pastor began to speak I held tight onto my mother as I could feel every single ounce of pain she had in those moments. I couldn't help it that my stone wall crumbled, and it crumbled because for the first time I had witnessed the broken heart of the women who had always been there to mend mine.

In these precious moments before the passing of my Granny (My mothers, mother). I watched as three women worked effortlessly to care for her in the final days of life. They became her care takers and what a team they were. My mom had become the mother role, changing diapers, feeding, reading the bible, sleeping on a air mattress in the room with her mother. My Granny's cancer had spread to her brain, and though she tried, her memory was fading, her logic and she became like a child. During a check in, I had called to make sure all was as well as it could be- she told me, "Granny tried to drink out of an envelope today", I shuttered a bit. But as usual, my reaction would mean the world to my mother. "Well did you put some crystal light in there or what? " 

I know my mom had moments of pain during this process, but my goodness the change in my heart of loving my mother exceeded a million times more than ever. To see her care for her mother this way made me so very proud to be her daughter. Her selfless being inspired me in so many ways. I wanted to dedicate this post to her, because she is my world, my best friend and the reason I continue to love hard and never give up on people.

If anyone has met my mother they most likely adore her. She has a spirit and jovial persona that adds to the light in your life. She is real and honest, funny and hard on me at times. She will go out of her way for people. When we go shopping she never shops for herself and is constantly thinking of what other people would like. She talks to strangers, she holds doors and she takes notice of the small things.

Most of all though, she has this heart that forgives and thrives.

For the last 3 years I have annoyed my mother with going to the gym, eating healthy and staying in shape. I have continued to bother, convince and instill ideas in her about how she could have as much energy she had in her 30's now in her 50's. I have explained to her how many people I know her age that bike, run, travel, and have contagious energy. While she has laughed in my face, this has finally come full circle and my patience and convincing has arrived at positive results! She now has a personal trainer and she's doing Yoga for crying out loud! My mom is a rock star!

I felt compelled to write this post because I have been through quite the rough road in the last year and the rocks continue to crumble at my feet, however, I never give up and I press on as best I can with a positive attitude and reflective frame of mind on how to alter my future actions. On the back end, my mother has always been by far one of the best cheerleaders in my life. She should know, the reason why I have this strength is because of her shining examples through my life as a child to now.

No matter what you go through, what loss you face, what people judge you for, one thing will always remain. "Did you live with Passion?" My mom is living proof of living with passion, and I am doing my best to follow in her shining example.

Lately I have felt a major shift in the universe. Lots of lost jobs, lives gone and anger uprising. I'm holding steady with the belief that we all need to start looking in the mirror a bit more at our actions. Why are we hurting each other so much when love is as simple as a kind word? I refuse to give anger my time of day, no matter how hurt I am by others. I choose Mom...She is my reflection, my heart and my kindness. As the storm hits my windows and the wind blows heavily, I know that a rainbow lies ahead and I will gaze at it with warmth and gusto.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Who is The One?

 Many of us have been in several relationships and I can bet that we have all wondered when it ends; meaning when do you find the one? What is the one? If marriage will fail and end in divorce, and I believed that person to be the one- then what the hell just happened?

My new realization of today is that I will never meet the one. Instead I will attract into my life what fits in the current situation I stand in. Whether I am a free spirit or in relationship mode, the vibe I give off will bring to me the type of men I parallel with at that present time. You should never alter your being to fit a mold or to appease another person. Be true to yourself always.

It irks me when I see relationships fail because of infidelity. I can't quite wrap my head around it; however I do know one thing must be true, these people needed to walk away a long time ago but couldn't quite do it.

When two people break up because of life changes or wanting different things it makes all the sense in the world. We have to follow our hearts no matter what the circumstance, and sometimes when we get so caught up in our relationships we forget our personal wants and needs to the point that we will still force something to work and so begins the slow decline of passion in the relationship. When we get away from our significant other we have time to process everything and see it more clearly. I remember moments where I would sit in the bathroom and say to myself, this is not my life. Or even bigger moments when I would cry myself to sleep out of frustration.

So bare with me when I say the one thing no one really wants to hear, you may break up. But quite frankly, its not the end of the world. The bigger deal is the chance you get to connect with another human being that will teach you more and more about life and love. It's hard for me to even cope with typing this because I've finally realized how much time I spent designing my dream wedding, my house, my family... But I have to admit, society has placed the majority of this in my head. If I take a step back and review my previous relationships I can see a trend in my thought process with marriage being the end goal, when the reality is that I get to share my life with a person who adds to the zest and betterment of me! Someone to laugh with, to share wine with and even a dance under the stars. This is what is important to me and I see no end goal in sight, the only thing I envision now is happiness.

So for each moment you've shared, given your heart and time to another human being do not act in haste when it suddenly shifts. I would bare in mind the change in season, the mood and have a kind adult conversation about your personal wants and needs. Listen to your significant other and react using your heart, hear them out completely with dedication; after all this is the person you love.

Maybe the above is easier said than done? We never know how our emotions will play out in our future relationships.

I suppose since I am enjoying my new found single-hood it may be easier for me to write this, but what I really hope for is that when my heart has met its match again I can bring all of my new found thought processes into it.

I know how tricky love can be, and that most of us get angry when our partner pulls away or are not in line with what we need. Communication is so important with love and being honest as well- no one is a mind reader by any means, yes even if we think we dropped major hints.

Having this time to reflect has been really valuable to me- I hope that by sharing some of my thoughts you may find it to be helpful to you as well (after all that is the point of my blog), to hopefully inspire in some form or bring clarity to your current situation.

Wishing you all the best life has to offer, that you will take control of your own actions and know that you can do and be whoever you want. Meditate and envision your life, your love and your heart. Read books that lift, articles that explore and talk with people about the world! Open your mind to laughter, sharing smiles and being vulnerable. Kiss slowly and touch softly. Be present and aware.

All the kindness in my heart to you.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Moving On: "It's Not a Race"

I wanted to touch on a subject that most may find really tugs at your hearts strings.

What happens when the person you spent many years with moves on with love, but you haven't?

It may sting, it may bother and also bring about a lot of new emotions you thought you had already dealt with early on. The truth is you may have only swept them under the rug. The real moment when you know you are completely over your previous relationship is when you see them holding hands with another human being before your eyes.

This moment happened to me not to long ago and I wanted to write about it in a heart beat! Instead I let the emotions process, and as usual I felt nothing in the beginning. I was calm and removed from emotions, until I wasn't. I took a jog by my house and that's when it hit me, it was as if the universe conked me on the head with a tree! I stopped dead in my tracks, had myself a little cry while looking out into the open space before me, then to the sky I prayed and asked God to just comfort me in that moment. (Once again, whatever you believe in- do it!) I decided that I was ok. I was happy for him and that this time projecting resentment was not the bee's knees. I could feel my heart swell with appreciation.

I had a few special moments with people over the last 6 months. These people came into my life for a reason and reminded me that my heart is still very capable of love and my soul capable of connecting with another. In fact the magic remains that I will appreciate it so much more. The fear I once had is gone, not so much guarded and far more willing to take a chance. 

Deeper though is the confidence found within myself by not repeating the same mistake again. Jumping into a romantic situation just because I need someone there by my side and deeming them my boyfriend before even knowing them completely. Because often I've done things quickly in life this time, I'm going to do the opposite. I have stopped pushing things, chasing and or giving myself into what I'm not ready for. Self respect is needed with matters of the heart. ❤

I like to examine patterns of behavior and what I can do to remedy them. Perhaps if you are in a similar state of being you may want to think outside of the box and do some things completely different with your dating scenarios going forward. I have a few friends who were single for 7-9 years and then suddenly found themselves engaged in 6 months. Right now, that honestly makes no sense to me- however, I have an open mind. =)

I've been told to write lists of what I want in a partner- but I can't bring myself to do that. People are flawed, they have goods and bads, I like to think I have good intuition so for me I'm just living life.

Back to seeing that your previous significant other has moved on. Accept it. That is one of the best things to do, and let it go. Realize that you are going to do the same thing, and that there is love lurking around the corner for you too. Above all, love yourself and continue on your mission to creating the best relationship you can with your number one. Don't allow the dark cloud to take over, there is far too much sunshine in your soul that others cannot wait to see!

Moving on is not a race, there is no finish line to arrive at. You have to bring yourself into the Now and live through each moment knowing that life will find a way. Forgive yourself for the things you can't control and take control of the things you can. Career, daily tasks, how you treat others, etc...Shape it for you and let all else go. I believe in you as everyone deserves to be happy.

Peace for you today and a big smile!

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

My thoughts on Love

Love is patience, love is kind...I've heard these words and I believe them to be true in many ways. There is a sense of balance in romance, just like dancing and to me it represents all that is good in life. Everyone wants to be loved, and you can't hide from it, its a feeling that most long for.

Love is actions through the heart. It's a form of care and consistency that makes the bond strong between two souls.

Love might possibly be one of the best adventures you will have in your life, it can take your mind to places unknown and splendid.

I'm not necessarily talking about the love between lovers, this could indeed be through friends, family and other.

I've learned that expressing love through listening, attention, focusing in on the moment and using your heart to reply in honesty is the purest you can be. That taking a moment for another and using kind intentions are valued.

In a nut shell, love is kindness in all senses of the word put into practice by unshakable actions.

And NOW, the kind of love in movies...This is by far one of my most favorite Love Stories, star crossed lovers so to speak. I guess it's because I've never been one for love out of convenience, but more love that adapts or commences by happenstance.